it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
