Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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