He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
