Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
