In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
