the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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