I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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