a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
