we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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