i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
