I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
