I think my fart just growled at me.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
