Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
