Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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