Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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