God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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