Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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