You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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