There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
