I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
