trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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