Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
