someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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