we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
