Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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