i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
