you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
