i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
