I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm passing your future prison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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