Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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