the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
