wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she woke up with a sticky ear
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
