my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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