Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
