Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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