also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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