His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you had me at cake vodka
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
