DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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