Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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