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It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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