dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
