So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize