I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
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Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
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Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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