just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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