I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
