sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
