Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
