I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
