Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Randomize
