I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
