She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
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