my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
