sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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