would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
